Fear is not my friend

Fear.  The word itself is powerful, isn't it?  I imagine many of us struggle with it.  It doesn't look the same in everyone's life but it's there.  I know I struggle with it.  Sometimes it's that "sound" you hear in the middle of the night.  It could be the balance in your checkbook.  Maybe that child you don't know what to do with.  Or it's that conversation you worry someone took the wrong way.  And then there are those fears that nearly paralyze us.... harm, rejection, pain or even death to a loved one or to our own lives.

My greatest fear growing up was that I was unlovable.  I believed like most girls that I needed to be beautiful to be lovable.  I hated my skin and my body.   The enemy must be thrilled with our culture and the deception woven into the fabric of our society that you must be beautiful to be accepted.  I believed that lie and didn't think I held a chance.  But God in His goodness rescued me in my college years, revealing the truth of His Word.  He gave me a verse that has been my life verse ever since,

"Instead, let it be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit which is precious in the sight of God"  -1Peter 3:4

This verse is written in the context of a passage that speaks to how godly women are to "adorn" themselves, not with outward appeal but with a heart that trusts God and honors His ways.  God asked me and asks all of us to make ourselves beautiful for Him... not the world.

Fear has recently pried it's way back into my life.  A couple spots I had removed last summer grew back and were biopsied.  Both showed basal cell skin cancer.  It's a fairly common skin cancer that is slow growing and has an extremely high success rate for being removed with the Mohs surgery.  As much as I tried to assure myself with this knowledge, fear gripped me for several days.   I hated it, I was embarrassed by it and felt owned by it.  And because of peoples' prayers for my spirit, thank the Lord, that paralyzing fear didn't last more than a few days.

What was I afraid of?  The unknown.  The surgery.  How much cancer is there?  Will it come back?  How much of my lip will they remove?   I had a nightmare the first night after the results came back that the cancer kept coming back and my face became "monstrous" looking from all the surgeries.  My fear....(yeah Satan knows our old weaknesses and he doesn't forget)  that my husband wouldn't think I was beautiful anymore.

Then, God decided to be amazing as always.  He caught my attention by a verse John Piper quoted online.  1 Peter 3:6.  So close in proximity to my life verse.  I had to check it out.  Let me back it up to verse 5 so it makes sense...

"For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands ;  just as Sarah obeyed Abraham,calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear." - 1 Peter 3:5-6

Well, He had my attention.  I did a word study on "fear" and it literally means in the Strong's concordance "to be afraid of with terror".  Wow, terror is a pretty strong word!  This is the only place in the New Testament that this Greek word appears.  But what does this mean in the context of this passage?  To my best understanding, God is telling wives not to be manipulative or controlling out of fear that her husband isn't obedient or right with God.  Instead, she should trust God.  

My fear isn't that my husband isn't right with God.  Yet, it really doesn't matter what my fear is... any fear keeps me from trusting God.  The passage says "you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by fear."  What, then, is doing what is right?  Is it not trusting God, regardless of the fear, and acting on it?  Is it not believing with faith that God is sovereign, supreme, righteous and glorious?  Hebrews 11 tells us that it is impossible to please God apart from FAITH.  

"And FAITH is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." -Hebrews 11:1

Trusting God and doing what is right without being afraid with terror.  For me, this brings enriched meaning to having a "gentle and quiet spirit".  It brings to mind words like brave, courageous, standing firm and unmovable in regards to our faith that Jesus is Lord.  Believing He is enough, He is everything.  In fact, He provides the grace for that faith.

Yes, fear is powerful.  But in the glorious beam of God on His throne, there is no crevice or corner where fear can dwell.  He is trustworthy, my friends.  God is good.  And when the tempter comes near again, I pray I choose to remember God's whisper...   be beautiful for Me, not the world.  I pray you do too.

Fear not, brothers and sisters in Christ, fear is not your friend.

Last day and Final thoughts about Haiti

Group picture on the last day of class with my morning ladies.  They were sweet and grateful.  After concluding Ruth, I challenged the women.  I told them that my purpose there was to encourage them in their relationship with God and that they needed to continue reading, studying, memorizing and meditating on the Word and in prayer.  I shared a verse in Ezra that describes Ezra as one who set his heart to study the Law, teach the Law and practice the Law.  I asked them who God would want them to teach about the Lord and encouraged them that I saw God had CHOSEN them to teach the orphans in their care about their Abba, Father.  I pray that they do just that!

Most of them could not speak English except for a couple phrases.  One woman hugged me for a long time and whispered "Thank you.  I love you."  So rewarding!

My overall observation of Haiti, other than extreme poverty, was how dirty it was.  We went to the beach on the afternoon of my last day and Haiti was redeemed of my gloomy observations.  God created a beautiful island.  Unfortunately, the condition of the country is an example of how much mankind and sin in this world can deface what God created perfect.

Me with the adorable Mulligan kiddos : ) Had fun hanging out with the whole fam!

Carrie leading worship with the kids Thursday night.  Such a sweet time of fellowship with the kids.

Me and my cousin, Carrie, dropping me off at the airport to go home.  

She shared with me how much it bothered her when people would say she and Stephen are amazing and how ill-equipped and unqualified they felt.  Stephen runs the facility overseeing 20 some nannies, construction workers on site, American interns, translators, security guards, payroll, and overall maintenance of the buildings.  Carrie takes care of the medical needs of the children(which is CONSTANT), dealing with kids coming and going from IBESR and their placement, communication with kids sponsors from site and being mommy to her 3 littles.  Their life is overwhelming to say the least.  The orphanage is relatively new and experiencing normal growing pains with the struggle of continuing to understand how best to care for the kids within their culture but according to God's Kingdom culture.  

There is so much to be done and so many ways I can clearly see God is going to improve things in the future, yet, there is SO much good that has already been done and SO much to praise God for!!  Please pray for them and Hands and Feet...  I know that they covet prayers.  And as for Carrie and Stephen, Carrie is right that they are not amazing people, no one is.   No, I think when people say that about them, they mean that the love Carrie and Stephen have for God is amazing.  So much so that they left everything( a good job, nice house, family, friends,and  a good church) to live in an isolated, lonely, overwhelming and extremely difficult situation... all for the glory of God.   But most of all, I think people say that about them because GOD is amazing!  That he would use an ordinary family to run a HUGE operation of caring for 70 orphans in an oppressive, poverty-stricken country with no previous missionary experience.  Yes, God is amazing and I got to see it with my own eyes.

More pics from Haiti!

This is my morning class with the nannies at Hands and Feet.  They are loving learning about the Bible!  Especially the Old Testament.  They had never even heard of the book of Ruth before.  It's been explained to me that many Haitians have been evangelized but very little discipleship has taken place.

This is the 6 and 7 yr. olds' Bible lesson.  Josue is one of my interpreters playing the guitar.  He is great with the kids!

I taught them the story of Jesus calming the storm.  Here I am demonstrating the disciples going to Jesus and saying "Wake up!" when he was sleeping in the boat.  The girls thought it was so funny : )

This is my afternoon class of nannies with a different translator named Fanel. He is super smart and incredible at translating.

This is Kerby.  He is precious!!  He is deaf and will be coming to the States soon for a medical exam and to see if he's a candidate for a cochlear implant.

This is Stevenson.  He has been at Hands and Feet for less than a week.  He was brought to them as an extremely malnourished little boy.  I got to hold him Saturday night and spoon feed him peanut butter.  He could barely sit up and his legs were completely limp.  It was a moment I'll never forget.  I got choked up holding him as he slurped peanut butter from my hand thinking about the verse "When you saw me hungry, you fed Me".  It was a very humbling and overwhelming experience.  I actually thought that he might have CP.  We checked on him this morning and after just a few days of nourishment and love this little guy was smiling from ear to ear and trying to take steps with his nanny helping him.  I was AMAZED!  I have never witnessed something so drastic.  

These are the older kids learning movements for the "Story of God".  Dave let me borrow his curriculum from our church's after school program.  They caught on so well and did great!  Here we are doing a motion symbolizing God making creation.

This little guy came up front to show off his memory and explaining the whole story of God I taught him. He was embarrassed and kept giggling... such a cutie pie : )

Some of the older boys skyped my family with me tonight for my birthday.  My boys and the HAF boys were planning a playoff in basketball.

Carrie made me a cake for my birthday and my family on Skype and everyone here sang happy birthday. 

It was great!  I got sick last night and felt pretty crummy all day so I am hoping to feel better and try the cake tomorrow.  Thanks to anyone who prayed for me, I was able to teach today despite not feeling well. God is good.

Tomorrow is my last day and I will be back home early Saturday morning.  Can't wait to see my family!  I've enjoyed my trip immensely, especially teaching the women!  Thanks again for all the prayers!  They were felt : )

1st two days of Haiti

This is the market in Port - Au - Prince as we were driving from the airport to the orphanage in Jacmel.  It was a 4+ hour drive through the mountains... amazing scenery!

Sunday morning here in Jacmel.  Didn't understand a word but I recognized a lot of the songs and could sing along in English. Those aren't empty benches in front but FILLED with a lot little cuties from Hands and Feet : )

This is Clivens(pronounced Cleevens).  He came here on Friday after his parents abandoned him in a hospital.  He seems to have some serious delays and medical conditions.  SUCH a sweetheart and just smiled and smiled.

Doll baby right here!!

Proof that I'm here : )

Aren't these girls adorable??  They were so helpful and good workers doing their chores.

This little guy (Willcharson)ran up to me at church and threw up his arms at me wanting me to hold him.  I got to hold him all the way back from church... so sweet.

I get to teach first thing in the morning!  Got to meet my translator this afternoon and go over my lessons with him.  I am so excited to see how it all goes!  Prayers are very welcome : )  Thank you to everyone who already has prayed...  I have felt the strength that comes from that intercession.

Send Me!... to Haiti?

Yep!  I'm going to Haiti in 1.5 wks : )  Above is a pic of the kids I'll get to hang out with while I'm there.  The name of the ministry is The Hands and Feet Project.  There are approximately 70 orphans  that live there.

This is my cousin Carrie, her husband, Stephen, and their adorable littles...Ella, Mikah and Grady.  They are the directors of the orphanage at The Hands and Feet Project in Jacmel, Haiti.  They sensed the Lord's call on their life a year ago and moved their family to Haiti just about 6 months ago.  You can read about their adventures in Haiti here.  Can't wait to spend some time with these people!!

This is a pic of part of the facility at The Hands and Feet Project : )  Sweet rainbow too!

I have felt a strong desire for over a year that the time for "going" to do the ministry of orphan care I so passionately advocate for was near.  God has made it clear to me over and over again that my part in orphan care is to be a mouthpiece for the voiceless to His Church.  However, my heart longs to kiss little cheeks and embrace these ones that God has asked me to advocate for...  to remember the reality of their plight and their desperate need for Hope and a Kinsman Redeemer.

Of course, when Carrie and Stephen were called to Haiti, I thought what a perfect place to "go"!  I did not want to go for the sake of going but desired to only go if there was a divine purpose in me "going".  I asked the Lord if He had a purpose for "me" personally to go.   And if there was, then, "send me" because I was willing.  God put it on my heart to use my love and passion for teaching the Word to the nannies that care for the children at The Hands and Feet Project.  I suggested this to Carrie in conversations about whether or not I would be coming.  God affirmed my desire to teach the nannies when Carrie expressed what an answer to prayer that ministry would be.  Lastly, the Lord confirmed all of these leadings by speaking to my husband David's heart that "yes", I was indeed supposed to go on this trip.   David felt the Lord saying there was specific purpose in my week there.... so, within the week I was on a search for the best, cheapest flights I could find : )

If you would feel led to partner with my trip to Haiti in prayer, I would be very grateful.  I have never taught the Word using an interpreter before.  This makes me feel very inadequate and unprepared.  Yet, I trust God has a plan.  I will be teaching 2 different groups of nannies each day and 1 group of kids every evening.  I will be teaching from Equipping the Saint's model for teaching discipleship and also teaching inductive Bible study methods going through the book of Ruth to the nannies.   I will also be using some curriculum and Bible story telling with the kids.  

Please pray I would be flexible to adapt to God's agenda, sensitive to the Spirit's leading and trust God's  all sufficiency in my weakness.  Thanks to all who come alongside this 7 day trip in intercession for children in Haiti : )

The Mommy Marathon

Thought I'd share a devotional I wrote for a friend's baby shower : )  Hope it encourages some moms out there today!

Becoming a mother...  a sacred joy and blessing yet a noble and divine responsibility.  Surely, we experience motherhood even before giving birth, protecting and nurturing a child in your womb.  There will be thrills your heart has never known to exist and there will be pain that you think your soul cannot bear.  I have heard it said to be a mom, it is to hold your heart outside of your body.

Being this incredible and serious adventure, mothers strive to do their VERY BEST!  So many choices in motherhood...  labor options, diapering options, feeding options, sleeping options, disciplining options, schooling options and the list goes on.  Some of these options probably are already swirling in your head.  Whew... it makes MY head swirl and I’m not even having a baby : )  Let me assure you though, that all of these options are non-essential and NONE of them will make you a good mother.  Let me explain.

There is only ONE thing that will make you a successful mom.  The only ONE essential to being a good mother is fearing and obeying the Lord.

But what does that look like?  I am going to share with you from the Word a passage where we can glean insight to answer that very question.  The passage of Scripture I felt led to share with you today is one of my favorites.  And very appropriate in light of all of Jackie’s running and races(she ran her 1st marathon at 11wks pregnant!).

Hebrews 12:1-3

Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witneses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 

For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

1. “Therefore since we have so great a cloud of witnesses”... in mothering, we MUST remember the lost world around us and our brothers/sisters in Christ are watching.  We can greatly impact people around us either by making them stumble or encouraging them to seek the Lord. Our lives and our mothering must always point to Christ.
2. “Let us also lay aside every encumbrance and sin that so easily entangles”... in our mothering, we MUST be careful to examine our lives. To confess sin and repent, so that our children learn to do the same.  So that they will learn to be holy and to be humble.
3. “Let us run with endurance the race that is set before us”...  one of the things I always say when David and I do pre-marital counseling is don’t expect to have a 50yr. marriage in the 1st year, I believe the same can be said for mothering. It is ok if you don’t have all the answers in the first few days of becoming a mom, you know the ONE who does.  Relax, take it slow, enjoy the run of “mothering”.  The point is to endure and be steadfast.
4. “Fixing our eyes on Jesus”...  probably one of the toughest things in mothering is the urge to compare yourself to other moms.  But the WORD says to fix your eyes on JESUS... not the mom running next to you.  Be careful to not “fix your eyes” on methods in mothering or on moms you admire.  Rather, FIX your eyes on JESUS and HIS WORD and He will give you direction for your marathon in mommyhood.
5. “For the joy set before Him endured the cross”... there will be many times that being a mom stinks : )  There is great sacrifice in being a mom...  of sleep, of time, of money, of emotion, of belongings and so many more.  There are times I want to just quit.  But it is in THOSE times we need to remember JOY!  For the JOY set before HIM, He endured the cross.  There is so much JOY in serving our kids in service to our GOD!  Always make sure your kids know that you have JOY in being a mom.  They will see the JOY of the Lord is your strength.  The JOY of the Lord as we consider Christ on the cross will keep us from growing weary that we may not lose heart!

As you run the "Mommy marathon", remember to relax, enjoy and most of all...  Fear the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength.  " But a woman who [fn]fears the LORD, she shall be praised."  Proverbs 31:30

The Race

I am running a 5k tomorrow.  Not a big deal for a lot of people.  It's a big deal for me.  I don't like to run.  Well, that's not true...  I do like to run but only when it's sprinting really fast and really short distances.  Certainly not jogging 3 miles.  That's painful, boring, and hard.

Yet, I am running.  I decided to run the 5k primarily because it is raising awareness and funding for orphans in Guatemala.  Soon after making the decision, some motivating questions entered my head.  "I wonder how quick I can get into shape and really be competitive?  I wonder how fast I could run this if I work hard?".   The thrill and challenge of competition and lofty goals are hard to resist.

Pretty quickly those lofty goals were met with misery.  I was running way too fast the first mile and could barely breathe to gut my way through to the next.  I felt terrible, out of shape and discouraged.  I needed to run slower but I didn't want to because I wanted the work out to be over as fast as possible.  I wasn't enjoying the running because I was trying to set a pace that my body was not ready to run.

I've always loved the comparison Scripture uses of running a race to the Christian journey in following after Christ.  Probably because I relate to it.  I was a sprinter in high school and college.  I understand running with endurance and "in such a way to win the prize" as I visualize  rounding the curve to the straight away in the 400m. hurdles.  But somewhere in the midst of making myself run long distances the last couple months, God has brought me fresh insight.

It honestly makes me laugh when I think of how silly I must be to Him when I compare His Word of running with endurance to sprinting the straightaway of the 400m. hurdles.  Oh sure, there's endurance required in the 400 hurdles... all of the 60+seconds needed to run it : )  Although, I wouldn't doubt our lives here will look near close to that 60+seconds when we get to eternity.  Still, we don't have that eternity understanding yet and our life on earth can seem dauntingly longer than even a 5k race... a marathon if you will.

The Lord has quietly revealed to me how the human desire tries to live the way I like to run.  Fast and short.  But the life of following Christ is rarely a sprint.  If we are to run in such a way to win the prize with endurance, we must let Him set the pace.  If we get ahead of Him, we make ourselves miserable.  We gut it out in our own strength barely able to breathe.

God desires us to settle into the pace He designed for each of us to run.  If we are to run with endurance, we need to go at a pace where we are able to breathe in His life giving Spirit that enables us to have the strength to keep going.  We need to throw off everything that entangles us, not looking to the right or the left to see what pace anyone else is running but fix our eyes on Jesus ALONE, the author and perfecter of faith.

Life is hard, difficult and painful.  Sometimes it becomes even more so because we are pushing ahead not allowing God to direct our steps and set our pace.  Life is also joyful, beautiful, full of hope and contentment when we rest in the timing and path He's set before us....even at it's hardest.

The Lord has changed my lofty goals.  My aim now looks more like surrender, submission, humility and dependance.  Praying to enjoy my running more(literally and figuratively) as I look to my sweet Jesus' face.... even in the hardest parts of the race.

How about you friend, are you enjoying your run?

Hebrews 12:1-2 
"Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."



ps. So funny but one day as I was training, an oldie but goodie came through my headphones right as God was showing me some of these insights.  Here's the lyrics to SCC's "The Human Race"...gotta love how God works : )

In a world of winners and losers,
Some are used, some are the users;
It’s a push and shove race
Of trying to get ahead.
In the dust of all the confusion
We make a choice, Truth or illusion;
Will we listen to lies,
Or hear what the Father says.

CHORUS
We are running in a human race,
Where nobody wants to settle for second place;
But we’ve got to run it at a different pace,
‘Cause the first will be last and the last will be first
At the end of the human race.

In a day when values are changing,
What kind of ground are we really gaining;
Who are we trying to serve by going the extra mile.
We can’t trade the Truth for the fashion;
We’ve got to live a life of compassion,
And those we touch are the prize
That waits at the finish line.

(chorus)

We are running in the human race;
We must run it at a different pace,
‘Cause we’ll all meet the Father face to face
At the finish line of the human race. (2x)